the lonely moments

I’m nearly a year into this parenthood gig and I’ve started to notice that of all the stories you hear about motherhood and it’s trials, there tends to be a gap in the conversation when it comes to the loneliness you can feel.

Not in the ‘oh I don’t have a social life’ or the ‘remember when I used to have a career’ kind of way - both of which you most definitely think about- but it’s in those moments when your husband is in a deep peaceful slumber beside you but your awake because baby’s decided it’s only you who can get her to sleep and she’s really making you work for it because she won’t go down - even when you’ve been rocking in the dark for over 40minutes and your arms ache and your mouth hurts from all the shushing.

It’s those moments when the days aren’t filled with laughter and cuteness but explosive poo’s and frustrated cries.

Its when you are surviving off of broken sleep and cold tea because the cliches are true.

When you don’t look and definitely don’t feel like you used to, so wonder just how much of yourself you’ve really lost.

When someone says how tired they are from working an 8hour shift meanwhile you’re still working yours.

And you always are, 24/7.

It’s even more exhausting when you are breastfeeding too. The around the clock nursing can literally drain you and it’s hard to find a moment for just you. You feel like you can never truly switch off and that can be overwhelming. So it’s common to feel resentment and frustration towards others. Motherhood isn’t always easy and it can be tough when it feels like everything rests on your shoulders alone. Carrying the emotional and mental labour for the household on top of taking care of a small human - phew! It’s a lot.

That loneliness can feel like it’s only happening to you, but obviously it’s not. People have been having children since the beginning of time and I’m sure these feelings aren’t unique to just me.

And that’s the thought process that keeps me going, knowing that I’ll stumble my way through these foggy days and look back at this time of new parenthood with tenderness.